Your girlfriend asks you not to hurt her, but you don’t understand exactly what she means.
What does it mean when she says, “Please don’t hurt me”?
This Is What She Means When She Says, “Please Don’t Hurt Me”
When she says, “Please don’t hurt me,” she means that she likes you, feels vulnerable, and is afraid of losing you in the future. She may have been emotionally wounded in past relationships and is looking for your reassurance that you won’t leave her or treat her poorly.
What she specifically means depends on her past, her personality, and the exact nature of your relationship.
Let’s dig into each of these areas by first looking at the five core meanings of, “Please don’t hurt me.”
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There are at least five core meanings when she says this phrase.
1) She has feelings for you
She has feelings for you and is afraid that if you know those feelings, you won’t reciprocate them.
Women don’t say, “Please don’t hurt me” to guys or girls that they don’t like. If she’s saying this phrase, it’s because she has developed romantic feelings for you.
2) She feels vulnerable
Women often use an emotional operating system and the fear of losing someone they like can be too much to bear.
She may have been emotionally wounded in past relationships or she doesn’t want to be alone.
Whatever her past experiences, when a woman says, “Don’t hurt me,” it’s usually because she has feelings for you and knows her feelings place her at risk.
3) She doesn’t want to lose you
She’s afraid that you’ll leave her after sex or after you get bored with her.
She’s afraid that she is more attracted or committed than you.
For example, she’s afraid that if she sleeps with you too soon, then the relationship will just be about casual hookups and not have any deeper meaning.
That’s why some women ask for an emotional commitment before sleeping with you.
4) She has been hurt before
Maybe she had a traumatic breakup with her ex-boyfriend or a relationship where her needs weren’t met.
When she asks you not to hurt her, it may be a case of not wanting to repeat history.
She doesn’t want to go down the same dead-end road of emotional distress, pain, and heartbreak.
5) She wants your reassurance
She may have had her heartbroken by men or women who treated her poorly in the past, so she wants reassurance that you won’t do the same.
She’s skittish about getting too close.
Some people have a hard time opening up and letting someone in, especially after a bad experience.
You can reassure her by letting her know that you care about her and don’t ever want to hurt her.
14 Hidden Meanings of “Please Don’t Hurt Me”
Beyond the surface level meaning of “Please don’t hurt me,” she also wants you to avoid certain behaviors.
I call these the “hidden meanings” of the phrase.
She probably doesn’t want you to:
- Cheat on her
- Lie to her
- Break your promises
- Take her for granted
- Talk badly about her
- Use her
- Date her friends
- Lead her on
- Stalk her on social media (or anywhere)
- Try to control her
- Act overly jealous
- Let her down
- Leave her
- Disrespect her
Why She Says, “Don’t Hurt Me”
Now you know the meaning, but what’s the motivation?
Why does she even ask you not to hurt her in the first place? Surely she doesn’t think you really will ever do anything to make her sad, lonely, or angry.
Here’s why she says, “Please don’t hurt me”:
There are two main reasons why she might say, “Don’t hurt me.” One, she fears emotional trauma. Two, she’s been physically and/or emotionally abused in a past relationship.
These are some telltale signs of a past abusive relationship:
- She doesn’t want to talk about her past
- She flinches when you make sudden movements
- She can’t handle you ever being upset for any reason
- She has a very hard time making decisions for herself
If you suspect that she’s been abused before, I highly suggest that you talk about it.
It’s best to approach the conversation gently with lots of compassion. She may feel reluctant to bring up those old emotional wounds.
Just listen and offer your emotional support and reassurance.
If she has not resolved her past pain and seems open to getting help, you can refer her to these resources:
Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
Text “START” to 88788
How To Figure Out What “Don’t Hurt Me” Really Means
When, where, and how she says, “Don’t hurt me” will help you figure out what she means in the context of your relationship.
We’re talking about timing, location, and method.
For example, she could say it on the first date, at the beginning of the relationship, or before a big commitment—such as moving in together or getting married.
She could say it publically or privately.
It’s more likely that she will say it privately, which means it is an intimate and sincere request.
If she says it publically, then it could be a joke or she wants witnesses (usually friends or family) to keep you socially accountable.
Her method also matters. She could say it softly with emotion, as a threat, or shivering in fear. How she says it will let you know if she is teasing, being playful, or if she has been deeply hurt in the past.
There are also different ways she could send the message.
She might send a “Please don’t hurt me Meme”:
When she sends a meme, she is using it as a visual replacement for saying the words in person or by text.
Basically, it means the same thing as words, only with a softer approach.
She might text you “Please don’t hurt me quotes”
Another approach she could use is to send you a quote:
“I don’t want to get hurt again. That’s true. A week ago we weren’t on speaking terms. Now you think you love me. And I don’t want to hurt you either. I’m not looking for a steady boyfriend right now.” —Josh Lanyon
“Please don’t make me expect. Please don’t lead me on. Please don’t leave me hanging. Please don’t hurt me.”—Unknown
You should interpret quotes the same way you interpret memes or images.
She might write a “Please don’t hurt me letter”
If she writes an entire letter, then you know she really means it.
Some people express themselves better in writing than with spoken words. She might want to lay it all out on paper so she can share her entire heart without reservation.
Writing a letter also allows her to fully detail her thoughts, organize them, and arrange them thoughtfully.
When you receive such a letter, reread it several times, tell her how much you appreciate it, and respond to each point with gentleness and compassion.
When She Says, “Don’t Hurt Me” at the Beginning of a Relationship
When your girlfriend or partner says it at the beginning of a relationship, it usually means that she wants to preempt any trouble down the line.
She wants to establish a baseline of commitment from you before she falls too hard and risks her heart getting hurt.
It probably also means that she was hurt recently (Read: Does Dating Help You Move On [Answered]).
Maybe it was a guy who ghosted her after two dates, or a long-term boyfriend who treated her like trash.
If she’s a little scarred, then you’ll need to take it easy until she knows that you’re in for the long term.
Of course, if you have baggage from your past relationships, let her know.
Find out what she thinks about relationships and love so that you can work it out together.
Going forward, take it slow and don’t push her to do anything she doesn’t want to do.
If you go about things the right way, she will learn to trust you.
What Does It Mean When She Says, “Don’t Hurt Me” Before a Big Commitment
Sometimes a woman will ask you not to hurt her right before you reach a milestone in your relationship.
Perhaps it’s when you decide to go exclusive, buy a house together, or propose.
When she does this, it generally means that she is scared of the commitment and needs reassurance that you will not hurt her.
She knows that she’s deepening her feelings for you and opening herself up to more risk and reward. At every stage of commitment, you both become more vulnerable.
Whatever the reason, it’s important to listen to what she says and reassure her.
How To Respond When She Says, “Don’t Hurt Me”
Ok, so you know what she means, but what the heck do you say to reassure her?
The most important element of your response is sincerity. Don’t say anything you don’t mean.
I’ve written out some exact responses below that you can use.
If you’d rather watch a video, here is a good one:
Here’s what to say if you don’t want anything serious:
If you don’t want anything serious with her, the best time to tell her is right now.
Just let her down easy:
“This isn’t easy for me to say. I really like you, but I’m just looking for something casual. Don’t worry though, I will treat you right and with respect. If we end up becoming more than friends, that’s great; if not, it won’t change our friendship.”
If she presses you about your feelings, say: “I like spending time with you and hope we can keep doing stuff together. I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”
Again, reiterate the fact that you are only seeking a casual relationship with no expectations of anything more.
Repeat these phrases if needed.
It’s important to make sure she hears your message clearly.
If she tries to reason with you or guilt you into changing your mind, stay calmly resolute.
Here’s what to say if you want something serious:
If you do want something serious, say this: “I’m really glad you told me. I like you a lot. I would never do anything to hurt you. I love you.”
If she asks you again, make your intentions clear: “I only want to make you happy.”
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